Digital love: what men and women seek in AI relationships

AI girlfriends (here’s an AI-generated image illustrating the topic) adapt entirely to users’ wishes – how is their existence changing the world of real-life relationships? zVg

AI is turning digital love into a mass phenomenon. Swiss evolutionary psychologist Désirée Popelka surveyed both male and female users. Despite differing expectations, she found they had a similar underlying need. 

Swissinfo: Loneliness is on the rise. As an evolutionary psychologist, you observe how people are increasingly seeking intimacy in the digital realm. Are we heading towards a society of isolated individuals?

Desiree Popelka: The data is clear. The number of single people is growing steadily, and living alone is becoming a permanent reality or a preferred lifestyle for many. In my research, I examined whether people who consciously choose to remain single differ significantly from those who are involuntarily partnerless. In the process, we came across a remarkable fact: in our dataset of 2,312 people, over 183 were in a committed relationship with a virtual partner. This is no longer a marginal phenomenon. We are seeing a trend in which intimacy and companionship are increasingly being commercialised and replaced by technology.

Swissinfo: You talk here about the “girlfriend experience”, which is now becoming widely available online. What exactly is being purchased there?

D.P.: It is not primarily about sex, but about reciprocity – about give and take, about an emotional exchange. With a physical “girlfriend experience”, the client pays for the feeling of companionship and an authentic-like connection. This involves going on a date together, having a common social experience. Platforms such as OnlyFans have democratised and digitised this model; it is available everywhere and is much more affordable.

For many young women, this field is appealing as it does not have the stigma associated with traditional prostitution; instead, it is marketed as “empowerment”. However, the flip side is disturbing. Those providing the service must constantly pretend to be someone they are not, in order to build an emotional bond with their clients.

Swissinfo: This development is now reaching a new stage. Why pay a person when AI is cheaper and always available?

D.P.: Here we are crossing the line into the complete automation of love. A recent MIT study has shown that sexual role-play is already the second most common use case for ChatGPT, after straightforward information retrieval. AI companions offer a kind of sycophancy: the algorithm agrees with the user on everything; it anticipates their every wish. From an evolutionary perspective, our brains are programmed to react positively to social validation. Our neurological system is often unable to distinguish between a feigned and a genuine emotional response.

Désirée Popelka from EPFL in Lausanne. zVg

Swissinfo: This promises relationships without hurt feelings or arguments. What risk does this untroubled happiness pose?

D.P.: The risk lies in the complete loss of social correctives. An AI is programmed always to be on your side. But real relationships thrive on friction, conflict and the need to compromise. An AI relationship can become a narcissistic mirror; you are communicating with yourself.

While we do see that users experience short-term relief from their feelings of loneliness, in the long term they fall into a deep emotional dependency. When developers release an update that alters the character of the AI, users experience crises that can even lead to suicidal thoughts. Their sole emotional counterpart suddenly seems “colder”. The risk is a generation that is no longer able to cope with rejection by others.

Swissinfo: In your paper Outsourcing Love, you identify three stages of external love. It progresses from real-life dating to platforms like OnlyFans, to AI girlfriends. Does digital love follow the same trajectory?

D.P.: It is not yet clear whether this path is linear. What we can say is that it depends very much on the individual. People who, for example, are seeking a somewhat more real relationship experience – perhaps through an escort service – are not weirdos skulking at home in their basements. They are often people leading full and active lives. Many have a wife and family. They are looking for variety and admiration – in other words, a complement to, rather than a substitute for, conventional love. People with narcissistic tendencies seem to be particularly susceptible to unquestioning validation – even from an AI.

Swissinfo: Are there gender-specific differences here?

D.P.: The evolutionary motivations differ. While male mammals tend to be programmed to spread their reproductive opportunities widely, women act more selectively, as their biological investment – such as the risk of childbirth – is far greater. Of course, these tendencies are also culturally determined.

Some interesting new studies from Asia point to a “no-good-men-left” hypothesis: women are withdrawing from the dating scene because they cannot find a partner who lives up to their expectations. Instead, they find emotional fulfilment in AI companions, who serve as an ideal projection screen.

For men, on the other hand, it is often frustration at being rejected in real life that drives them into the arms of AI companions who never contradict them.

Sex-tech, Switzerland and demographic change

For her study Outsourcing Love, Désirée Popelka of the Swiss Federal Institute of Technology Lausanne EPFL surveyed over 2,300 people in Switzerland and Germany about their use of services offering a “girlfriend experience”. Her research centres on the shift from real-life encounters to digital interactions and the significance of this for society.

This interview with Popelka is part of our series of articles on demographic change, with special focus on the impact of the AI revolution on declining birth rates. Globally, the number of children is falling dramatically. We look at the reasons for this, based in particular on the example of Switzerland. With its highly globalised, knowledge-based economy, the country is particularly vulnerable to this shift.

Swissinfo: Robotics and virtual reality are expanding the possibilities of simulation. How fast are things developing?

D.P.: The field is developing fast and is a lucrative one for the industry. Naturally, people want their AI girlfriend to have a body. The question is what effect this will have. For older, isolated people, this can be seen as a positive thing, as they are gaining a companion; for young people, however, the idea that body image is shaped by robots is worrying.

Swissinfo: How much influence do digital offerings have on the younger generation?

D.P.: We know from isolated studies in the United States that over 70% of teenagers there have already had experience with such tools. This is a major cause for concern. Adolescence is a crucial phase, in which young people explore social interaction and learn to tolerate ambiguity. They need to gain experience in wooing a crush and coping with a rebuff. If this process takes place in a sheltered, algorithmically optimised environment, we risk seeing a generation that is unable to cope with the complexity of real-life interpersonal relationships.

Are there no good men left? In Asia, some women are turning their backs on real men altogether – and turning to AI-generated partners (as shown in this feature image). zVg

Swissinfo: Given the addictive risk of AI relationships, should there be age restrictions, as with nicotine and alcohol?

D.P.: There is clear evidence of addictive potential. Users develop an emotional dependence on constant reassurance. This is then compounded by a lack of adequate data protection. Users reveal their most intimate details, while there is insufficient oversight of the companies involved. We need to consider age restrictions, as teenagers are a particularly vulnerable group.

Swissinfo: The submissiveness of AI girlfriends aligns with the reactionary ideology of the so-called “manosphere”. Is the internet creating a new generation of sociopaths?

D.P.: The link to the “manosphere” on the internet is very dangerous. These influencers have huge reach and can impact a lot of people. This is particularly problematic for the vulnerable group. We estimate that around 7% of users of AI girlfriends belong to this group.

Swissinfo: If love and sexuality are increasingly being outsourced to machines, and the gap between the genders widens further as a result – what consequences will this have for the survival of society and already declining birth rates?

D.P.: This is one of the key research questions for the coming years. Up to now, AI relationships have often served as an extension, an alternative way of receiving admiration. The question is what effect this will have on couples in the long term. We know from studies on pornography consumption that even minimal exposure can affect a relationship. If the partner asks critical questions at home, while the AI avatar enthusiastically acknowledges every remark, the machine becomes a relationship killer.

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Edited by Balz Rigendinger. Adapted from German by Julia Bassam/ds